Cousin Bill

Early hero true
He was handsome in my eyes
Life curves, derailed Bill

Reflections on a life.
Remembering my cousin Bill, he was 3 years older and worldly and handsome in my eyes. When we played, the times were bliss for me. I thought he was the greatest and that his baby brother, Terry Chad, was adorable. I relished my time with my cousins.
Uncoordinated and awkward, I usually managed at least one minor injury during our time together- it was the family joke and I think there were times when the boys got in trouble for being "too rough." I never minded.
We were stair steps: Bill, me 3 years younger, and Terry Chad, 3 years younger. My uncle, their Dad, didn't believe in "weapons" so Bill fashioned guns from Tinker Toys that doubled as wallis talkies when their Dad appeared - I thought he was brilliant.
As we got older, my fascination with Bill increased. HE had a Mustang - wow - he was charming to me and always a bit of a "flirt" - I loved it when he pointed out that we were not "blood" first cousins, so we could get married if we fell in love. Later I realized that he probably used that line with all the female cousins, ah well.

Riefly.We got married within a few weeks of each other. Although he and Chad came to my wedding in Albuquerque, I was always sad that I did not get to go to his wedding in Kansas City. Through the years, as I heard more about his life, my vision of Bill began to shift. An attorney, he seemed selfish and shallow and was seldom in touch with me. I was completely shocked when he and his wife, Diane, divorced with Bill telling me that he was just tired of being married and all the responsibility that came with it.
He also had a hand in some family disputes that I found selfish and disappointing, although I had realized, by that time, that both my aunt and uncle had many demons of their own that had to effect both Bill and Chad.
His last years appear to ha e been a slide downhill. He came to my Dad 's funeral - he thought highly of my Dad - but it was a quick trip with no emotional attachment evident.
He stopped practicing law at some point, perhaps not his choice, and his diabetes contributed to major health issues.

After we moved to Lawrence, Kansas, I found myself reluctant to get in touch with him in nearby Topeka, primarily because of the lack of emotion I always perceived when I was around him. He was a great game player when it suited, but it didn't seem genuine. I found myself unable to relate to him. On the few occasions our paths crossed, he was charming and appeared engaged. The last time I saw Bill was at my Father's funeral in 2002. Although I appreciated his presence, I was left with an empty feeling as it related to Bill and felt sad for him. That remains my primary feeling for Bill. My sadness for Bill may be misplaced, but I love my family, extended family, and friends so very much. To me life is about love and relationships.
Last night, the thoughts came in reference to sins of the Father visited on the children. I do not believe that children bear responsibility for parents' sins. But I saw that in a new light: The sins - actions and demons- that haunt our parents so deeply often damage their children. Some are able to rise above the demons. Others do not.
Today I am grateful for happy childhood memories. I am blessed by a warm relationship with Chad. I believe that loving others through a loving God, is all that really matters.
Rest in Peace, Bill. I did and do love you.